Stupid Survival Strategies

Few scenes in fiction are so common and resonate so deeply with people as the characters struggling to survive in the wilderness. It can happen in almost any genre. Characters might be rushing to get the Dark Lord’s stronghold before the summer solstice, hacking their way through the Russian taiga after a plane crash, or just having a really bad camping trip. Maybe we still have some of that old Stone Age instinct to survive, but since few people in real life are put in survival situations, we look to fiction to fill that void.

That being said, employing certain strategies that fictional characters use to survive would probably get a real-life bushwhacker a one-way ticket to Hades. Here are some examples of stupid survival strategies that characters use. Do not let yours use them.

1. Watching the animals and eating what they eat. Seems like a good idea, right? Well it is, except for that pesky little fact that animals can eat things that would, at best, provide no nutritional or caloric value for a human, or at worst, bring on a slow, painful death for a human. It can also work in reverse. A human can munch on grapes all he likes, but if a dog eats them, it could die. If you character is experienced with wild plants, he should know what to eat and be able to make his way. If your character is, say, a spoiled princess, she’d better hope Daddy’s sending some rescuers.

2. Lighting a fire with a convex lens—made of ice. It is possible, but would be very difficult and time-consuming to do. And you’d be freezing to death while doing it. Although if you’re writing fantasy, maybe there’s a place in your world where water commonly freezes into lenses. “The Land Where Ice Can Start a Fire”, perhaps.

3. Building shelter on high ground. This is iffy. Warm air rises and cold air sinks, yes, but higher places can also be more exposed to wind. If I had a choice between the top of a hill and 35 mph wind or the bottom of a hill and no wind, I’d pick the bottom. However, especially in mountainous regions, cool night air can turn valleys into literal rivers of cold. There’s also fog to deal with, which clings to low areas in the morning and is both cold and wet. A smart character would probably set up camp at a medium elevation or in a high, but sheltered area.

One low area that should always be avoided is anything that looks like a dry riverbed in a desert area. Distant rains could send you a very rude awakening.

4. Boiling water for 10 minutes before drinking. Once water is brought to a rolling boil, and then cooled down, it is safe, unless it was hideously stagnant to begin with, in which case no one should drink it at all. Boiling it for longer than you need to only wastes time and fuel. Also, anyone saying, “wait until it stops boiling” is an idiot. Water stops boiling when all of it has turned to water vapor and disappeared.

5. Drinking cactus juice, eating snow or ice, and drinking your own urine. All of these are idiotic. Cacti may contain a small amount of liquid, but it certainly won’t hydrate you. It also won’t make you have funny hallucinations like Sokka. More than likely, it will be bitter and acidic, inducing cramps, vomiting, and diarrhea. One exception is the barrel cactus. If you can hack through the tough outer rind, you can mash the pulp and catch the liquid. However, this should only be done as a last resort. Eating snow or ice will only speed the removal of your body heat. Melting it and then drinking the water is ideal. Just make sure it’s clean. Drinking your urine is both disgusting and idiotic. It’s not like your body just lets large amounts of water escape the body. What it does let escape the body is stuff that it wants to get rid of, like salts and other harmful chemicals.

6. Boiling plants to remove any poisons. This works with some plants, but not all.

7. Moss grows on the north side of trees. No. Just no. While the north side would tend to be wetter and shadier—two things that mosses love—moss grows on all sides of trees.

8. Using a tourniquet to stop bleeding. You use a bandage to stop bleeding. You use a tourniquet to stop heavy bleeding, as in “I will be dead in five minutes if it doesn’t stop” bleeding. The tightness of a tourniquet will cut off circulation to the limb and will often result in the limb needing to be amputated.